If I had a dollar for the times people have suggested I do
online dating I would have had enough money to buy several pairs of Christian
Louboutins. In all honesty, I have been vehemently against the idea. Not that I
judge other people who do it, it just was never my “gig.” I didn’t want to a-
make a profile talking about myself and b- sift through the garbage people who
were just on there to get laid. Recently, a dear friend of mine got married
from an online site called “Ok Cupid” and at her wedding, another dear friend’s
11 year old asked me “If your single, why haven’t you tried online dating?” So,
in an effort to further fodder for this blog, I decided to acquiesce and give
it a try.
So there I was, 3 bottles of Vueve Cliquot in at a friends
house on a Sunday night making my profile. Since I was doing this half
heartedly, I didn’t want to reveal too much about myself, but wanted to stay
altruistic to who I really was at the same time.
As soon as I made my profile public, BAM! There it was… my
first email. He was in his late 40’s, balding and overweight. He sent me a
message that he read my profile, I was so pretty and we had so much in common!
I was wondering if he had looked in the mirror before sending me this message because
we had NOTHING in common. It’s at this time I became very familiar with the
“hide and block” features on the website.
I started sifting through folks who were potential matches
and noticed a pattern. Almost every single guy on this site has the “photo of himself
making a faux sexy/serious face in the bathroom” picture. I mean, I have to
tell you, I have seen a LOT of bathrooms as of late. Whether it’s a public
bathroom (is that not creepy and disturbing?) or their parents’ bathroom with
flowery wallpaper, OK Cupid is running amok with bathroom pics. Word of advice
guys...NO GIRL wants to date a guy who takes pic of himself in a public
bathroom, especially a public one. It made me wonder if he washed his hands
before he snapped that “sexy” photo? Additionally, what is up with the guys who
take pics of themselves driving their car in their sunglasses? Is this to prove
that they have a car? I can’t really see what you look like and you’re an
endangerment to the road. I’m pretty sure this should be included in the newly
passed ban on txting while driving legislation.
Then we have the guys who post 100 pics of their dog and 1
of themselves. I don’t care if you have a dog, cat, bird, etc. I am not
planning to date your dog. DON’T POST IT. Next is my personal favorite to
loathe, the abovementioned pic in the bathroom mirror but with no shirt on and
flexing their muscles. This is just LAME. You are basically telling the world “I
am a vain MOFO who will probably just fuck you and never talk to you again.” How
about no? Just don’t do it.
So, I decided I wanted to go on my first “online” date. I
met a guy who was very cute, a former minor league baseball player and a high
school coach. Looking through his photos I noticed an acquaintance from high
school in a photo from a Christmas party and decided he wasn’t going to be a
serial killer if he knew someone I knew in real life, right? We decide to meet
at Starbucks (neutral, if he’s scary I can leave after I finish my coffee) and
to my shock, he was very cute and nice. I was kind of digging on him. We met
another night for beers at a divey joint and I still wasn’t disinterested
(bonus!). We made plans on a Sunday night to hang out…by this point I think,
okay, dude is going to ask me out on a “real” date, right? He tells me that
he’s tired, but would love for me to come over and watch a movie. Seriously?
Are we in college? Okay, I go. What else was I going to do on a Sunday night? I went to his house (that he shares with a roommate!) and he
suggests we retreat to his room to watch some old DVDs? WHAT?! Um, I don’t think
so. If you want to get some tail, you’re going to have to at least take me to
dinner! Then, he starts scrolling through old movies on Neflix stream…..I am
confused. I asked him several times about “renting” a movie on Pay Per View,
but no dice. We settle on a documentary about a former political donor I had
worked with in the past. Oh, if you don’t want to pay to rent a real movie then
you will suffer through a documentary of my choosing! He gets up at one point to get himself a
glass of water but doesn’t offer me anything to drink (no water, beer, wine,
Coca-Cola classic) and I never speak with him again. Sorry, if you can’t afford
a $5.99 movie to rent, we are probably not going to work out. Can you imagine
our vacations as husband and wife? Hey honey, I upgraded us as a special treat
to the Penthouse at La Quinta Inn! No.
I have another friend trying her luck on this website as
well. She and I had lunch this past week and she was updating me on her recent
OK Cupid date. She was telling me about her date and pulled up his online
profile to show me how cute he was. Yes, indeed he was cute (go her!) and they
had a very nice little make out session. Today, I get an email from the same
guy telling me that he would really like to get to know me and take me out. Of
course I let her know and didn’t respond to him. He txted her tonight to ask
her out this week. I can’t wait to hear his reaction when she drops the bomb
that he asked her and her friend out for dates in the same week.
I am going to continue my online profile for a little while….why?
Because, DAMN it’s entertaining how many freaks are out there! Who knows, maybe
I will find a prince amongst all the frogs (yea right…).
Lesson Learned: Ladies, if you are going to do online
dating, you will have to “hide and block” many more people than you actually
want to talk to because the world is full of ugly weirdos.
