The Ulimate Lothario

 Everyone who knows me, knows that all I really want in life is the bullshit fairytale of “love.” I want a partner, companion, and the old school ideal that you can really find a true mate. I mean, it is what Disney fairytales told me I was supposed to find. However, I continually seem to come up short in the love department. Even though I like to think I’m a fairly good judge of character, street smart (being from Kendall 305) and all, sometimes my radar comes up short.

 

A few months ago, I went to a friend of 15 years’ birthday party. It was 2020 and COVID life…..I was really excited to have an excuse to leave the house, blow dry my hair, and pick out a cute outfit. I arrive at the restaurant for dinner, immediately seeing two very handsome men. According to my friend who was having the birthday, I was purposefully sat next to the attractive men. After a fun dinner where I consumed a lot of vodka sodas, we went to the cigar bar to end cap the night, which is when I made the bad decision to start talking to “the Ultimate Lothario.”

 

We sit down to have drinks and while I am basically sitting on the lap of one of the handsome men (full disclosure: I was sitting on the ARM of the couch which looked like I was sitting on his lap), the Ultimate Lothario texts me from the couch across from me that he wants to take me to dinner. I liked his moxy…..bold move….confidence is always an aphrodisiac for women. 

 

We ended up going to dinner a few days later and totally hit it off! We had a nice dinner and he played old school punk music on the ride home. What?! This guy is funny, charming, witty, AND listens to the same kind of music as me? We go back to my house and kiss. I tell him he has to leave because I actually LIKE him, so I won’t be sleeping with him and give him the boot. 

 

During our date he tells me that he’s in the process of a divorce, giving his "ex" the house and trying to move on with his life. I don’t typically EVER date men who are divorcing, but as they say, love is a drug. I was so intoxicated with the admiration that the Ultimate Lothario was giving me, my brain was swirling with oxytocin! I couldn’t get enough. We saw each other almost daily from our first date forward. He told me he was IN LOVE WITH ME! I was his SOUL MATE! He NEVER FELT THIS WAY about anyone ever in his life! He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and marry me!!! He even went so far as having a realtor friend of mine pull rental properties and went with us to look at places he was “going to move into.” 

 

This is when things just start to NOT add up. While we were together literally 6-7 days a week, he was planning his sleep overs at my house because he had dogs that needed to be walked at night and could only sleep over when he had a dog sitter. He didn’t even have a drawer here, nothing but a toothbrush I gave him. He never even took a shower at my place! 

 

I couldn’t ever go to his house because he and his “ex” had an agreement that during their divorce there would be no romantic partners in the house. Every time we were together his “ex” was texting him, but that’s because they were discussing their “divorce.”  When she texted him at night on a few occasions, he would make up an excuse to leave. Meanwhile, he was constantly gaslighting me and accusing me of inappropriate relationships with ex’s or other male friends. There’s a saying in Spanish, a thief judges by his own conditions, and boy was he the thief.

 

After weekly fights caused by my “lack of boundaries” with other men according to him, my final straw was a fight he caused for no reason after happy hour. (Even though he was still married and living with his wife) over a preposterous scenario he literally made up in his head. I like to live my life with peace and joy. In the first four months of a relationship, you should be shitting rainbows, not defending yourself daily against baseless accusations from a narcissist. 

 

The only way to win with a narcissist is to simply not engage. After I jumped out of his car after being verbally screamed at for no reason, he chose to start incessantly texting me until I had to block him. After that, he moved to emails. They ranged from rage and insults, to I love you and miss you. In the most bewildering move of all, he texted me and emailed me from a fake account claiming to be his wife. “She” told me that the Ultimate Lothario was a good catch, in love with me and wanted to buy me a condo. Now, call me naïve, but I’ve never heard of a “soon to be ex-wife” emailing the girlfriend of her soon to be ex to sing his praises. I mean, I may have only gone to FSU but I am certainly not a moron.

 

After we broke up, I decided to do some public records research on him. (Word of advice: ALWAYS do background checks when you meet someone in South Florida; it’s the sunny place for shady people). I discovered that the house he was giving her in the divorce settlement is RENTED. How can he give her a house he doesn’t own? He’s been evicted….sued multiple times in both Dade and Broward counties and is basically a con artist/grifter. Sadly, I was another victim of his con.

 

He sent me flowers the week after we broke up. A bouquet of two dozen roses with BABY’S BREATH. I’m not sure if I should be more offended that he lied to me for four months about his marital status or that he sent me a grotesque arrangement worthy of a nursing home in 1996. I arranged to have them put on his doorstep with the card still affixed. There was a Christmas tree up in their window….definitely indicative of someone divorcing, right?

 

Then there begins the next month long endurance of one of Dante’s levels of the Inferno… the constant barrage of voicemails (while he was blocked and even acknowledged on the voicemails that he knew he was blocked), emails from various accounts that he would make up because he knew he was blocked on others, cards in the mail to claim his love for me. This “once in a lifetime type love,” It was undying, unwavering; he still couldn’t get out of bed daily missing me. According to him, he spent Christmas and New Year’s alone….too sad to bear the thought of the holidays without me. 

 

But ONE of the most bizarre twists of this dating caper was when I finally had to email him (to all 4 of the accounts he emailed me from) to stop contacting me and if he continued any further, I’d have no choice but to seek legal recourse. He responded immediately that he loved me, he never lied to me, and HERE IS A COPY OF MY DIVORCE SETTLEMENT…(but NOT filed, of course). Upon examining the document, it was a FAKE. A phony document put on a boiler plate contract from somewhere. It’s clear he didn’t go to law school to produce such a lackluster phony product. At least the Gucci’s in the backrooms on Canal street SEEM like they could be real. He even had the wrong “date” he was married in this “divorce paperwork” that doesn’t match the Clerk of Courts records of the real date. Should have definitely had someone review his work before he hit send.

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Two days later, I received the below picture from their wedding anniversary celebration from someone who knows his wife on Facebook. For a guy who told me he slept with his wife only 5 times in a year, it sounded like they were making up for lost time this upcoming weekend! Even more strange the fact he sent me “divorce papers” literally two days before their real anniversary…

 

 

And, in the STRANGEST part of all, his divorce paperwork was filed, but will never be ratified by a judge as to further his outlandish scheme to tell people “look! I’m divorcing, the paperwork was filed.” But it’s all just part of his con.  What's even more scary is the fact I had to hire an attorney to get him to finally stop harassing me. His wife still posts pictures of them riding their horses together, he posts pictures of their dogs at the house, she still posts pictures wearing her wedding ring in the home they share (the one he was moving out of...ha).

I am thankful and happy that I saw the light….and that’s what happens in life. When you are a good person and live an altruistic life, the universe will show you the darkness around you. Maybe prince charming and the happily ever after hyperbole is just a ruse to give people hope. 

 

I won’t say that I’ve fully lost hope, but I am questioning why someone would take advantage of the fact I just wanted to find true love. Why not just fuck a whore who doesn’t care? Plenty of chicks in SoFLA lack morals and would be happy to be a side piece. Most of them are hot, too! I will never know the answer, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Karma is a bitch, and so am I.

 

Lesson Learned: Always see the completed divorce papers before engaging in a relationship with a married man.