The Ulimate Lothario

 Everyone who knows me, knows that all I really want in life is the bullshit fairytale of “love.” I want a partner, companion, and the old school ideal that you can really find a true mate. I mean, it is what Disney fairytales told me I was supposed to find. However, I continually seem to come up short in the love department. Even though I like to think I’m a fairly good judge of character, street smart (being from Kendall 305) and all, sometimes my radar comes up short.

 

A few months ago, I went to a friend of 15 years’ birthday party. It was 2020 and COVID life…..I was really excited to have an excuse to leave the house, blow dry my hair, and pick out a cute outfit. I arrive at the restaurant for dinner, immediately seeing two very handsome men. According to my friend who was having the birthday, I was purposefully sat next to the attractive men. After a fun dinner where I consumed a lot of vodka sodas, we went to the cigar bar to end cap the night, which is when I made the bad decision to start talking to “the Ultimate Lothario.”

 

We sit down to have drinks and while I am basically sitting on the lap of one of the handsome men (full disclosure: I was sitting on the ARM of the couch which looked like I was sitting on his lap), the Ultimate Lothario texts me from the couch across from me that he wants to take me to dinner. I liked his moxy…..bold move….confidence is always an aphrodisiac for women. 

 

We ended up going to dinner a few days later and totally hit it off! We had a nice dinner and he played old school punk music on the ride home. What?! This guy is funny, charming, witty, AND listens to the same kind of music as me? We go back to my house and kiss. I tell him he has to leave because I actually LIKE him, so I won’t be sleeping with him and give him the boot. 

 

During our date he tells me that he’s in the process of a divorce, giving his "ex" the house and trying to move on with his life. I don’t typically EVER date men who are divorcing, but as they say, love is a drug. I was so intoxicated with the admiration that the Ultimate Lothario was giving me, my brain was swirling with oxytocin! I couldn’t get enough. We saw each other almost daily from our first date forward. He told me he was IN LOVE WITH ME! I was his SOUL MATE! He NEVER FELT THIS WAY about anyone ever in his life! He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and marry me!!! He even went so far as having a realtor friend of mine pull rental properties and went with us to look at places he was “going to move into.” 

 

This is when things just start to NOT add up. While we were together literally 6-7 days a week, he was planning his sleep overs at my house because he had dogs that needed to be walked at night and could only sleep over when he had a dog sitter. He didn’t even have a drawer here, nothing but a toothbrush I gave him. He never even took a shower at my place! 

 

I couldn’t ever go to his house because he and his “ex” had an agreement that during their divorce there would be no romantic partners in the house. Every time we were together his “ex” was texting him, but that’s because they were discussing their “divorce.”  When she texted him at night on a few occasions, he would make up an excuse to leave. Meanwhile, he was constantly gaslighting me and accusing me of inappropriate relationships with ex’s or other male friends. There’s a saying in Spanish, a thief judges by his own conditions, and boy was he the thief.

 

After weekly fights caused by my “lack of boundaries” with other men according to him, my final straw was a fight he caused for no reason after happy hour. (Even though he was still married and living with his wife) over a preposterous scenario he literally made up in his head. I like to live my life with peace and joy. In the first four months of a relationship, you should be shitting rainbows, not defending yourself daily against baseless accusations from a narcissist. 

 

The only way to win with a narcissist is to simply not engage. After I jumped out of his car after being verbally screamed at for no reason, he chose to start incessantly texting me until I had to block him. After that, he moved to emails. They ranged from rage and insults, to I love you and miss you. In the most bewildering move of all, he texted me and emailed me from a fake account claiming to be his wife. “She” told me that the Ultimate Lothario was a good catch, in love with me and wanted to buy me a condo. Now, call me naïve, but I’ve never heard of a “soon to be ex-wife” emailing the girlfriend of her soon to be ex to sing his praises. I mean, I may have only gone to FSU but I am certainly not a moron.

 

After we broke up, I decided to do some public records research on him. (Word of advice: ALWAYS do background checks when you meet someone in South Florida; it’s the sunny place for shady people). I discovered that the house he was giving her in the divorce settlement is RENTED. How can he give her a house he doesn’t own? He’s been evicted….sued multiple times in both Dade and Broward counties and is basically a con artist/grifter. Sadly, I was another victim of his con.

 

He sent me flowers the week after we broke up. A bouquet of two dozen roses with BABY’S BREATH. I’m not sure if I should be more offended that he lied to me for four months about his marital status or that he sent me a grotesque arrangement worthy of a nursing home in 1996. I arranged to have them put on his doorstep with the card still affixed. There was a Christmas tree up in their window….definitely indicative of someone divorcing, right?

 

Then there begins the next month long endurance of one of Dante’s levels of the Inferno… the constant barrage of voicemails (while he was blocked and even acknowledged on the voicemails that he knew he was blocked), emails from various accounts that he would make up because he knew he was blocked on others, cards in the mail to claim his love for me. This “once in a lifetime type love,” It was undying, unwavering; he still couldn’t get out of bed daily missing me. According to him, he spent Christmas and New Year’s alone….too sad to bear the thought of the holidays without me. 

 

But ONE of the most bizarre twists of this dating caper was when I finally had to email him (to all 4 of the accounts he emailed me from) to stop contacting me and if he continued any further, I’d have no choice but to seek legal recourse. He responded immediately that he loved me, he never lied to me, and HERE IS A COPY OF MY DIVORCE SETTLEMENT…(but NOT filed, of course). Upon examining the document, it was a FAKE. A phony document put on a boiler plate contract from somewhere. It’s clear he didn’t go to law school to produce such a lackluster phony product. At least the Gucci’s in the backrooms on Canal street SEEM like they could be real. He even had the wrong “date” he was married in this “divorce paperwork” that doesn’t match the Clerk of Courts records of the real date. Should have definitely had someone review his work before he hit send.

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Two days later, I received the below picture from their wedding anniversary celebration from someone who knows his wife on Facebook. For a guy who told me he slept with his wife only 5 times in a year, it sounded like they were making up for lost time this upcoming weekend! Even more strange the fact he sent me “divorce papers” literally two days before their real anniversary…

 

 

And, in the STRANGEST part of all, his divorce paperwork was filed, but will never be ratified by a judge as to further his outlandish scheme to tell people “look! I’m divorcing, the paperwork was filed.” But it’s all just part of his con.  What's even more scary is the fact I had to hire an attorney to get him to finally stop harassing me. His wife still posts pictures of them riding their horses together, he posts pictures of their dogs at the house, she still posts pictures wearing her wedding ring in the home they share (the one he was moving out of...ha).

I am thankful and happy that I saw the light….and that’s what happens in life. When you are a good person and live an altruistic life, the universe will show you the darkness around you. Maybe prince charming and the happily ever after hyperbole is just a ruse to give people hope. 

 

I won’t say that I’ve fully lost hope, but I am questioning why someone would take advantage of the fact I just wanted to find true love. Why not just fuck a whore who doesn’t care? Plenty of chicks in SoFLA lack morals and would be happy to be a side piece. Most of them are hot, too! I will never know the answer, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Karma is a bitch, and so am I.

 

Lesson Learned: Always see the completed divorce papers before engaging in a relationship with a married man.

Hit and Quit It

I have always considered myself to be a “nice” girl. When all the sorority sisters in college were blowing the bartender from the club by the dumpster, I knew my morals probably superseded most. It took a long time in my life before I gave up the “lost Spanish galleon at the bottom of the ocean,” and recently, I have remembered WHY.

I do not have a Facebook account. I despise Facebook and think it’s the cause of most problems in today’s dating scene. Recently, I attended a charity gala (and was looking pretty smokin’ might I add). My friend posted pics of us on HIS Facebook page from that night and suddenly, I had an admirer. One of his friends, who we will call the Seal, inquired as to my dating status and asked for my number.  I saw a picture of him through our mutual friend’s page, and Damn! He was cute! He surfed! He had tattoos! (all requirements for someone I would find HOT)

He called me (yes, CALL) and asked me out (AND picked me up! -Sad that these things aren’t a normality, right??) we hit it off right away, had a great dinner and were totally at ease around each other. Man, I was even pretty much sober (does 2 5.9% alcohol blueberry beers count?).  It was a rainy night and he invited himself back to my place to “watch a movie.” God, why is that still the oldest line in the book and actually WORKS every time??? We cozied up on the couch to “watch the movie” when really we were just watching our move to the next room.

In the midst of our cuddling in the other room, things start to progress…but let’s just say for someone who’s in the military, his flag pole couldn’t really stand at attention…and I think that’s the point this whole thing gets awkward. 

He asked to see me again that Wednesday and I agree to the next date.  The next day, Monday he contacts me to hang out again, and this time “REALLY watch the movie.” I think, wow, cool, this dude wants to see me again right away. Should I play a game and make him wait until Wednesday or do I just go with it. I’m sure you can guess the choice I made….

We make plans for a Friday night. It’s my friend’s birthday dinner and I asked him if he would be okay with us doing that since we’d not made official plans. He picks me up and we go to dinner. We all laugh, have a great time, share a few bottles of wine, and then…. the bill comes. One wouldn’t think this would not be an issue on a date, but he doesn’t reach for his wallet. The person in charge of the bill then asks me for my card for my share…..then he produces his card (finally) for his share. Everyone is looking at me shaking their head. My girlfriend and her (24 yr old) son both can’t believe this douche bag just let me pay for dinner.

We leave and he asks to come upstairs to “use the bathroom.” He does what he has to do and jumps on me on the couch and tries to start hooking up. Yes, this is a REAL story. I told him I thought it was time to call it a night and to leave. He txted me that he didn’t understand why we had such a fun night and I sent him home.  I let him know that if was really wondering why, I would enlighten him.

Lesson Learned: Men, if you want a happy ending after the date, don’t let a girl buy her own dinner and drinks.

The Case of the Disappearing Dude

Why is it that when a guy no longer wants to communicate with you (for whatever the reason may be:  he's cheating on his girlfriend with you and you never knew he had one, your breath smells, he couldn't take your excessive shopping habit) he just goes AWOL? When did men lose common courtesy and respect for women? It's bad enough that we have to now deal with men txting to ask us out or not wanting to commit to a relationship; but to end all communications with out any explanation is just a really pussy way to tell a girl "you're just not that into her."

Continuing with my online experience, I recently met a guy who we will call the Chef. We met on a Saturday night at a bar in Delray. As is always with this online thing, you never really know what the person is going to look like in person...Will they be cool? Will they be 400 pounds? Will they have 3 eyes and 12 fingers? Pleasantly, I was surprised when the Chef walked into the bar. He was tall, handsome, and better than what I expected. We had a really fun time that night. I couldn't believe it, but when he walked me to my car and gave me a good night kiss I actually had that giddy/tingly/excited feeling! On my drive home, he txted me to tell me he had a really nice time and wanted to see me again ASAP! From there, we went on to talk every single day....We hung out a few more times and I was actually really starting to like this guy. Of course I still had my guard up, but I was actually excited when I would wake up to daily "good morning, babe" txts. However, there were a few things that were a little off with him. He favored the day time dates more than the night time dates (who looks cute in the bright sun light???), he had to cancel a few too many times because he all of a sudden had his son (and really, who is ever going to question that reason to cancel a date? but I should mention my profile clearly states, "NO BABY MAMA DRAMA") and he never invited me to see his place. I figured this was all part of the dating process (you know, that whole compromise thing) and things would iron themselves out as we continued to get to know each other.

After about a month of talking and hanging out, he finally came over for dinner. This was my chance to dazzle the Chef with MY cooking skills. After all, they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right? He showed up late, was only at my place for about 2 hours and left before midnight. This was odd....Was he going to turn into a pumpkin as the clock struck 12:00?  Why would he drive all the way down to stay for such a short period of time and not enjoy the evening and bottle of vino with me? He again, txted me when he got home and told me he had an "amazing time with me as usual." I went to bed that night and in my gut, I knew something was kind of off.......

The next day, I invited him to join me the following night at a VIP opening of a hot new restaurant on the beach. He simply replied "no thanks, but I'm available to hang out during the day." Okay....ODD. No explanation, just "no thanks?" My gut is starting to really churn at this point. I said I had lunch plans, but agreed to hang out afterwards and could possibly be convinced to even blow off my event to hang out with him should the evening take us that way.  The following day he txted me the usual "good morning" and when I replied to ask what time we would be getting together he never responded. He txted me at 3pm in the afternoon, "how is your day going, babe?" How is my day going? HUH? WHAT? Didn't we have plans to hang out? How is my day going? Weren't we supposed to be laying on the beach together by this time? I was irritated and didn't respond. The night came and went and I didn't hear from him again. I decided to initiate contact and emailed him the write up of the restaurant I had invited him to. He replied, "what happened to you, I've not heard from you?" Again......what?? I replied that I thought we had plans the day before and he blew me off. This is the point he went AWOL. That was it. No response, no reply. I tried to reach out and asked him if he was not replying back to me due to the chicken enchiladas I'd made for us. Perhaps I should have made beef enchiladas? Maybe I should have gone with an Asian menu? Nothing.

How do you go from talking every day, dating and getting to know someone to completely just disappearing into the wind? Didn't I just go thru this very situation with Oil Boy a few months ago? Maybe he and Oil boy were in cahoots and thought it would be funny to make me start to fall for them and then kick me in my stomach when I started to let down my guard. The situation makes zero sense. I guess I will never get closure and can only look at is from the perspective that I clearly dodged a bullet because the Chef was NOT the person I had started to like.

I have decided to take down my online profile. I guess it just really isn't my gig after all. I did go into the idea of it as an experiment for this blog and actually found someone I really liked.....only to find out he is just the same as all the other dudes out there.

Lesson Learned: Online dating is no better than meeting someone at a bar.

Ok Cupid....Ok Ugly

If I had a dollar for the times people have suggested I do online dating I would have had enough money to buy several pairs of Christian Louboutins. In all honesty, I have been vehemently against the idea. Not that I judge other people who do it, it just was never my “gig.” I didn’t want to a- make a profile talking about myself and b- sift through the garbage people who were just on there to get laid. Recently, a dear friend of mine got married from an online site called “Ok Cupid” and at her wedding, another dear friend’s 11 year old asked me “If your single, why haven’t you tried online dating?” So, in an effort to further fodder for this blog, I decided to acquiesce and give it a try.

So there I was, 3 bottles of Vueve Cliquot in at a friends house on a Sunday night making my profile. Since I was doing this half heartedly, I didn’t want to reveal too much about myself, but wanted to stay altruistic to who I really was at the same time.

As soon as I made my profile public, BAM! There it was… my first email. He was in his late 40’s, balding and overweight. He sent me a message that he read my profile, I was so pretty and we had so much in common! I was wondering if he had looked in the mirror before sending me this message because we had NOTHING in common. It’s at this time I became very familiar with the “hide and block” features on the website.

I started sifting through folks who were potential matches and noticed a pattern. Almost every single guy on this site has the “photo of himself making a faux sexy/serious face in the bathroom” picture. I mean, I have to tell you, I have seen a LOT of bathrooms as of late. Whether it’s a public bathroom (is that not creepy and disturbing?) or their parents’ bathroom with flowery wallpaper, OK Cupid is running amok with bathroom pics. Word of advice guys...NO GIRL wants to date a guy who takes pic of himself in a public bathroom, especially a public one. It made me wonder if he washed his hands before he snapped that “sexy” photo? Additionally, what is up with the guys who take pics of themselves driving their car in their sunglasses? Is this to prove that they have a car? I can’t really see what you look like and you’re an endangerment to the road. I’m pretty sure this should be included in the newly passed ban on txting while driving legislation.

Then we have the guys who post 100 pics of their dog and 1 of themselves. I don’t care if you have a dog, cat, bird, etc. I am not planning to date your dog. DON’T POST IT. Next is my personal favorite to loathe, the abovementioned pic in the bathroom mirror but with no shirt on and flexing their muscles. This is just LAME. You are basically telling the world “I am a vain MOFO who will probably just fuck you and never talk to you again.” How about no?  Just don’t do it.

So, I decided I wanted to go on my first “online” date. I met a guy who was very cute, a former minor league baseball player and a high school coach. Looking through his photos I noticed an acquaintance from high school in a photo from a Christmas party and decided he wasn’t going to be a serial killer if he knew someone I knew in real life, right? We decide to meet at Starbucks (neutral, if he’s scary I can leave after I finish my coffee) and to my shock, he was very cute and nice. I was kind of digging on him. We met another night for beers at a divey joint and I still wasn’t disinterested (bonus!). We made plans on a Sunday night to hang out…by this point I think, okay, dude is going to ask me out on a “real” date, right? He tells me that he’s tired, but would love for me to come over and watch a movie. Seriously? Are we in college? Okay, I go. What else was I going to do on a Sunday night? I went to his house (that he shares with a roommate!) and he suggests we retreat to his room to watch some old DVDs? WHAT?! Um, I don’t think so. If you want to get some tail, you’re going to have to at least take me to dinner! Then, he starts scrolling through old movies on Neflix stream…..I am confused. I asked him several times about “renting” a movie on Pay Per View, but no dice. We settle on a documentary about a former political donor I had worked with in the past. Oh, if you don’t want to pay to rent a real movie then you will suffer through a documentary of my choosing! He gets up at one point to get himself a glass of water but doesn’t offer me anything to drink (no water, beer, wine, Coca-Cola classic) and I never speak with him again. Sorry, if you can’t afford a $5.99 movie to rent, we are probably not going to work out. Can you imagine our vacations as husband and wife? Hey honey, I upgraded us as a special treat to the Penthouse at La Quinta Inn! No.

I have another friend trying her luck on this website as well. She and I had lunch this past week and she was updating me on her recent OK Cupid date. She was telling me about her date and pulled up his online profile to show me how cute he was. Yes, indeed he was cute (go her!) and they had a very nice little make out session. Today, I get an email from the same guy telling me that he would really like to get to know me and take me out. Of course I let her know and didn’t respond to him. He txted her tonight to ask her out this week. I can’t wait to hear his reaction when she drops the bomb that he asked her and her friend out for dates in the same week.

I am going to continue my online profile for a little while….why? Because, DAMN it’s entertaining how many freaks are out there! Who knows, maybe I will find a prince amongst all the frogs (yea right…).

Lesson Learned: Ladies, if you are going to do online dating, you will have to “hide and block” many more people than you actually want to talk to because the world is full of ugly weirdos.

Need a Fork?

My friends and I had started doing a Sunday tradition of the hangover Brunch Bunch. What better way to recap the fun night before while noshing on a cheesy frittata? I showed up one Sunday looking especially awful (no makeup, hair up in a bun, wearing an old schemata) and sat at the bar for a bloody with my friends (my gay friend and my girl friend).

As we are reliving our crazy night before, in walks this guy who knows aforementioned gay friend. Let me state for the record that gay friend can be especially embarrassing at times. Next walks in the guy we will call Mr. Eat With His Hands. Gay friend tries to tell me how "cute" Mr. EWHH is and that I should totally go out with him! Oh, and BONUS, he's straight! (It's not always easy to find straight men in downtown Fort Lauderdale). The guy wasn't my type so I smile politely and depart the restaurant.

It just goes to show you, when you go out looking like shit, the men always want you! Stay with me here- Mr. EWHH called his uncle, who was friends with another guy who got to my friend to get my number. I figured, if the guy went through all this trouble to ask me out, I should give him a chance whether I was attracted to him or not.

Mr. EWHH calls me up and we decide on brunch at the same spot we originally met. We sit down and the guy has ZERO interpersonal skills. Every time I asked him a question, he would just stare at me awkwardly and answer a few seconds later.  Finally, here comes the waiter to break our awkward conversation. Along with other things, I suggest we order the delicious, scrumptious hash brown cakes. As soon as the food arrives before I even have my plate in front of me, Mr. EWHH dives in hand first (no utensils) and starts breaking apart the hash browns, dipping them in the sour cream accoutrement. I couldn't believe it. Had this guy grown up in a barn? At this point in my life, utensils on a date are a must.....unless we are eating pizza or french fries. It just wasn't going to work out.

Then......the bill comes. A big whopping, $30! The guy keeps staring at me, so I do the faux "can I give you some money?" thing. To my astonishment, he says, "yes, the bill is $30, so why don't you give me $15?" I happily give him $15 to rid myself of this guy out of my life forever. This was a guy who called to ask ME out and then asked me to pay half? I walked out of the restaurant never to see him again.

Lesson learned, never let a gay man set you up.

Dr. Doo Doo

This story is from a while ago, but one of the favorites amongst my friends in my repertoire....

I was commuting to Boca Raton everyday for work, leaving me the need to find a good place to get my weekly manicure on my lunch break. I went to a salon not too far from my office and met the Russian Jew manicurist. Also being a Russian (and Austrian) Jew we hit it off right away. Naturally, she asked if I was single and I replied yes. She told me she had a "nice Jewish doctah" in her building she wanted to fix me up with. She gave me her phone number and told me to call her for the set up.

Needless to say, I never called her for the set up; but that wasn't going to stop her from getting my phone number out of the computer from the salon and calling me!

"Why haven't you called?" "I have nice Jewish doctah waiting to meet you!!" she says. I half-heartedly agreed to the date.  I  should mention I really liked the way she did my nails and didn't want her to take out her disappointment on my cuticles.

I agree to meet the Jewish doctah for kosher Shabbat dinner at she and her 75 year old boyfriend's house that Friday night. I wasn't prepared for all this. As soon as I walked in, I immediately started downing the bottle of kosher wine I picked up on my way. And no, it wasn't Manischewitz.

He arrives and is sort of short and nerdy but I kept hearing my grandmother speak from the grave "You MUST marry a Jewish doctah or lawyah!" so I decide to keep an open mind. To my surprise (perhaps it was the kosher wine) he wasn't too bad. We end the drink with a night cap at his condo on the next floor and I head home.

The next day the doctah calls me (NOT TXTS! WOW, POINTS FOR HIM!!!) to tell me he had a really nice time meeting me and he would love to see me again. He then starts to tell me that today he had to take a "doody" and it smelled so awful from all the kosher food we ate last night. Um, WHAT???  I replied, "did you just say what I think you said?"  He said, "yes, why? We are friends." I promptly replied that we were not friends yet and that is disgusting. He immediately became known to my friends and I as "Dr. Doo Doo."

Being a glutton for punishment, I decided to let the comment slide and agreed to one more date. Although I couldn't get the "doody" comment out of my head, nor was I wasn't really feeling a connection or spark with the guy, I thought better to just let this one fall by the wayside. To my astonishment, he txted me a few days later to tell me he's needy, I work too many hours on the campaign trail and it wasn't going to work out.  I then told him I knew it wasn't going to work out when he talked about his SHIT after our first date, but thanks for informing me he's needy.

Ironically, I found out he's now engaged to his ex-girlfriend. I'm sorry but no Prada bag or house on the water is worth a man who blows up the bathroom and talks about it the next day.

Lesson learned, don't ever let your manicurist set you up.

The Catfish

Many people in my life (friends, coworkers, casual acquaintances) have been asking me to start a blog about my dating life in South Florida. The story usually follows as such.....Me: calling friends regarding my crazy date 2: friends responses such as "this could only happen to you" 3: friends suggestion, you really need to start a blog.

So in an effort to make it easier to share my crazy stories (and hopefully warn others about the creatures known as men that lurk the streets of South Florida) I have finally succumbed to writing this blog. Who knows? Maybe it will be cathartic? What I do know most of all it will be entertaining to all you choose to read along.

So we shall begin with my most recent story I will call "the Catfish."

I have long subscribed to the school of thought that you can NOT meet a quality man at a bar. To which many of my single girlfriends reply, but why? You're quality and you're in a bar.

During Christmas time, I met a friend in town for a drink at the bar. I didn't want to go. I had to put on makeup, pick out an outfit and blow dry my long hair. Really? I decided I wasn't helping myself sitting at home on a Friday night watching 20/20 so I decided to make the effort and go to the W. Aforementioned friend was over an hour late arriving, leaving me to start consuming vodka sodas solo at the bar. (Now, you should all know that I am SUCKER for tall men. I mean REALLY REALLY tall men). I see a dude about 6'6, good looking and has a"surfer" sort of appeal. He strikes up a conversation with me, and of course, my distrusting sarcastic ass is dishing it out to him on his pick up lines. However, he's not only taking it, but dishing it back. Instant swoon from me. He gets my phone number and I leave the bar thinking I'll never talk to this guy again. To my surprise, I wake up the next morning with 3 drunk txts (about 3am) and a voicemail. I txt him in the AM to again, give him more shit about booty calling me. He immediately starts apologizing, claims he doesn't remember, and he would love to hang out with me today to show me he's "normal." So I bite... We go to some of the bars on Ft. Lauderdale beach....have a fun time, click and really enjoy each other's company.

At this point he informs me he will be leaving for 15-20 days due to the fact he works on an oil rig out of town. But that wouldn't stop him from keeping in touch. I think yea, right! Well, to my amazement, he starts txting me daily - sweet messages such as, "I miss you!" "I'm so happy I met a beautiful girl like you!" "I can't wait to see you again and just kiss you!" "You are not only beautiful, but your personality supersedes your looks!" and other various bullshit lines that all girls want to hear. Okay, so I'm hooked. I think, WOW! Maybe you can meet a really nice guy at a bar who is attractive, funny, and has the same dry sense of humor you do......

So after a month of communicating daily he just STOPS. Cold turkey. Nothing. He txted me to wish me a goodnight and tell me he was sick. The next day I asked how he was feeling? No response. I txted that I guess his fingers were broken? No response. I realize, something is radically wrong. I erase his phone number, txts, and all the sweet memories of our 8 hour "magical" evening together.

I tried to google him, look for him on image search, nothing. Was this guy just an apparition? I finally stumbled upon a little gem. His MySpace page. I enter the username into google and BAM! There he was, Oil Boy (as affectionately called by my friends and I). Not only was he on several dating websites (including one for sex/swingers called Swingers Palace) he was on a plethora of other social media sites I'd never heard of. One called FUBAR? (hope you know the meaning of that!) REALLY!?? And using all the same pictures he sent me to remember him by while he was away working like a slave....Apparently, he added many girls on Facebook during the month of December alone (only girls). You know, while he was sitting there lonely thinking of me and missing me terribly.  He must be carrying relationships with many other women too. I had been "catfished."

Lesson learned, you can't really meet a quality guy at a bar.

catfish	1272 up, 837 down
	A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances. Did you hear how Dave got totally catfished last month?! The fox he thought he was talking to turned out to be a pervy guy from San Diego!